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My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

My life as I understand it will at no time be the same

Having read 'Drink' by Ann Dowsett Johnston, I Have Realised So Many Things. My age is 47 years old now. I am attempting to put on my standard energetic, cheerful face for the world however inside I am an entire disorder.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My misuse of alcohol was not simply "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control'..my consumption of alcohol to soothe and keep me emanates from various situations in my life. I never had a rosy childhood; My father was unfaithful probably due to my mother being obese and lacking in confidence leaving me without attention and care. Psychologically, I was strong.


Strangely, I took no alcohol in high school. Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. My varsity days mark the commencement of my drinking habits and misdemeanour with the common negative outcomes notorious with severe alcohol use such as improper conducts, headaches, vomiting and loss of consciousness.


One thing I learn at that time, that for a fat girl like me who want a sexual relation with the opposite gender, I have to be drunk as drunk as the boys, and maybe that's my chance to have it with them.


On one particular occasion, I found myself in bed with a random guy naked, and this happened when I was in Canada; Many times I ponder over this incident thinking how astonishing it is that I never got pregnant, injured or infected with any sexually transmitted diseases or worse still dead.


With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.

Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. But then as life progressed on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, compulsive husband with anger problems'..wine on weekends turned to being wine Thursday - Sunday.


My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine'..and shortly a nightly custom to crack one or two'..Privately, I started combining my personal cocktails and having the glass concealed in my baking cupboard.

After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I carry out is examine my I-phone to observe whom I may have unknowingly texted while drunk.


But there is more - two years ago I had a very serious emotional relationship with one of my son's friend's fathers. The relationship never got intimate (besides a few hugs and staying very close at sporting venues) but if some of you have read about (or witnessed) an emotional affair, the effect can be just as dramatic and fierce, if not more so then a physical love affair. I was on seventh heaven - all the time my phone showed a message'.oh the rush of feelings. Usually we exchanged texts late into night, at times in the middle of the night, while we were at duty.


Those were some of the most pleasant moments of my life. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been ravaged and mourning this loss'.and the drinking heightened.

My alcoholic beverage comforted me they alleviated the pain.

I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. The drunken episodes:

  • Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Blind drunk at my sister's 50th birthday
  • I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
  • Shouting fits in front of my children
  • I threw punches at my husband's face so often
  • When my son had a friend sleeping over I had a total scream and shout fight, but it only happened once.

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. I sense like I am heading home.